Narcissists in a Relationship: How They React

This article is a summary of the YouTube video ‘How narcissists react when they realize they are in a relationship with a narcissist’ by DoctorRamani

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Narcissists in a relationship: attraction, conflicts, suspicion, breakup challenges, sex, arguments, guiding, acceptance, divorces, struggle to leave.

Key Insights

  • Narcissists in a relationship with other narcissists may initially be attracted to each other due to their flashy and superficial nature.
  • In the love bombing phase, both narcissists enjoy the big gestures and validation they receive from each other.
  • As the relationship progresses, conflicts arise when one narcissist gets bored, needs more narcissistic supply, or experiences more success than the other.
  • Narcissists view others as a convenience and a source of supply, leading to constant invalidation and hypersensitivity in the relationship.
  • Suspicion of cheating is common due to their own tendencies to be unfaithful and flirt with others.
  • A narcissistic breakup between two narcissists can be more challenging as they struggle to accept their partner's entitlement, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and validation-seeking behaviors.
  • Narcissists struggle to see their own faults and patterns in others, making it difficult for them to understand their partner's behavior.
  • The sex may keep two narcissists together as it can be seen as performance art and a form of validation.
  • Arguments between narcissists become increasingly contemptuous, with each wanting to be the first and the best.
  • When trying to guide a narcissistic friend through a breakup with another narcissist, it is challenging because they refuse to believe their partner has similar patterns.
  • Narcissists have difficulty accepting that they don't have power over another narcissistic partner and cannot control them.
  • Divorces between narcissists can be expensive as both individuals strive to win and maintain power.
  • The only win in a relationship with narcissists is getting out, but they often struggle to see this when they are together.

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Transcript

Hi, everyone. It’s Dr. Romany. Welcome back. Today, we’re going to take on a very interesting topic. What happens when the narcissist is in a relationship with a narcissist? And as always, I invite you to hit the bell, subscribe. You’ll get notifications, not only on the two videos we put out every week, but as we have special series and all of that, as well as our live events, YouTube lives and things like that.

So let’s take on this interesting topic. What happens when a narcissist is in a relationship with a narcissist? In some ways, it’s a relief, right? That means the two of them are kind of getting out of the water supply, so they can’t hurt the rest of us. But that said, a lot of people do have this question. Do they ever find each other or are they much more interested in preying on empaths? They get together quite often because think about it, narcissists, especially your traditional grandiose narcissists, are really flashy. They really care about how they look. They want the whole Instagrammable lifestyle, like they’re, again, it’s sort of two superficials drawing into each other.

So early on, they may attract each other. In the love bombing phase, they really are probably actually having a great time together because they want the big gestures. So both people are excited to give the big gestures, receive the big gestures, post about the big gestures. So it really, really works out well until the day comes when, as narcissists always do in relationships, they start to get a little bit bored and a little bit contemptuous. And that’s when things get real interesting. And honestly, it’s like putting two cats in a bag. It does not work.

Invariably, one person is going to get bored more quickly than the other, or one person’s going to need more narcissistic supply than the other one can offer, or something’s going to go wrong in one of their lives. The thing that often doesn’t work in a narcissistic relationship, if somebody has… Things go much better in their life for one of them than the other. So I don’t know. Maybe two people are trying to make it as performers. We’ll use a very kind of narcissistic example. Two people are trying to make it as performers, and they’re kind of doing the thing and making the rounds and going to the auditions.

But then one of them lands a big job, forget about it. It’s going to be World War III. All hell is going to break loose, and not only will the relationship not end… Not only will the relationship not last, it’s going to end, and it’s going to end badly. Because when you think about it, we go back to the fundamentals of why narcissistic people cannot maintain healthy relationships. It’s because they view other people as a convenience. They view them as a source of narcissistic supply. They need to regulate through other people. They invalidate them, and so on and so forth.

Well, we also know that narcissists are deeply hypersensitive. So when you have two of them together, and neither of them are paying attention to what they’re saying, because we know that narcissists are incredibly careless in how they talk about you or me or anyone, but they expect people to walk on eggshells with them. Well, they’re not going to pay attention on how they’re talking to their narcissistic partner, and you can be for sure that the narcissistic partner is going to get incensed. Why did you say it that way? Why did you look at me that way? Why didn’t you remember this? And back and forth and back and forth.

So it’s every conflict any of us have ever had in a narcissistic relationship, but in some ways, it’s sort of like the seventh circle of hell, because this mirror goes back and forth and back and forth. And frankly, these relationships can be really, really volatile. There’s a lot of suspiciousness when a narcissist is with a narcissist, lots of suspiciousness that somebody’s cheating, because let’s face it, narcissists are more likely to cheat and be unfaithful than other people in a relationship.

So they themselves, always flirting and looking for new supply, what are they going to do? They’re going to assume their partner’s doing the same. For any of you who’ve ever been in a narcissistic relationship and are not narcissistic, you remember it. You were just sort of doing your thing. Maybe you had to work late because you had to work late. And the accusations often come flying. But in this case, it starts early, and because both of them are constantly seeking out validation from other people, there’ll be lots of, why do you have to have that bikini picture on Instagram? Why did you have to message that girl on Instagram? Why did you like that person’s picture on Instagram? Back and forth, back and forth.

Where it starts to get really interesting is something I’ve even seen clinically with folks, is when a narcissistic person is in a relationship with another narcissist, and then when the relationship starts to fall apart, they actually have a harder time dealing with it than a non-narcissistic person would have in a narcissistic breakup. So here’s part of why this can happen. In some ways, when you have two narcissists in a relationship, they’re like two junkyard dogs, always sort of sniffing around suspiciously and kind of always gunning for a fight.

Again, when things are going well, they’re playing and frolicking and having a grand old time. When they start going badly, they start going badly fast. What’s so interesting is how surprised a narcissist in a relationship with another narcissist is by their partner’s entitlement, by their partner’s lack of empathy, by their partner’s grandiosity, and by their partner’s validation seeking. They’re literally shocked by the thing that they are too. It’s very fascinating to walk someone through this, because you’ll say, yeah, your partner sounds really entitled, and so they’ll hear that.

Of course, when you’re going through a breakup, you like to hear that, yeah, what the other person is doing wrong. But then what gets interesting is, you say, and in this case, I would say this as a clinician working with them or a consultant working with them, I’d say, in this case, you may not want to defend yourself. You may not want to explain this. You may

This article is a summary of the YouTube video ‘How narcissists react when they realize they are in a relationship with a narcissist’ by DoctorRamani