Simon Sinek and his Girlfriend: A Unique Decision-Making Approach

This article is a summary of the YouTube video ‘Simon Sinek explains the unique way that he and his girlfriend make decisions’ by 20VC with Harry Stebbings

Written by: Recapz Bot

Written by: Recapz Bot

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Trust requires effort, reciprocity, and effective communication for strong relationships.

Key Insights

  • Trust is the foundational pillar of any relationship, but it is not deep and meaningful from day one.
  • Great leaders earn trust from their teams and are perceived as providers and protectors.
  • It's better to trust too quickly and get burned than to trust too slowly and never earn trust.
  • Trust is a two-way street; if you don't trust others, it will be difficult to earn their trust.
  • Building walls and being distant and cold only leads to loneliness and isolation.
  • Cheating is often a sign of a breakdown in communication and trust in a relationship.
  • Rebuilding trust in a relationship depends on the circumstances and whether the communication and trust can be restored.
  • Relationships should be about co-creation and making decisions together, rather than unilaterally.
  • Communication, openness, and honesty are crucial for a strong partnership and delegation of decisions.

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Transcript

Speaking of going back to basics, trust is just the foundational pillar of any relationship, really. Yeah, do you start relationships with full trust and it’s there to be, you know, lost or actually incremental and it’s there to be gained over time?

Well, I mean, you know, trust or there’s no, you can’t, you can’t start with deep, meaningful, you know, from day one that doesn’t exist. And that would be if you just even think evolutionarily, that would be really dangerous. Right. But I do believe in starting with a basic level of trust. And I know this from leaders, you know, great leaders never say to their team, prove to me why I should trust you. It’s the opposite. Great leaders have to earn the trust from their teams because the leader is supposed to be the provider and protector for the team, right? So the team has to know, can we, can we trust this person? They’re going to look after us. They’re going to stab us in the back for their own promotion. I, you know, to, you know, I trust very quickly and obviously I’ve been burned a couple of times, but I’d, I’d rather be burned a couple of times and trust too quickly than trust too slowly and sort of mess it up and never earn trust. Cause that’s pretty lonely. There’s no right or wrong. I think, you know, it’s a scale and like, you know, and people who trust a little slower, I think is just as healthy, but you have to, you there at some point, I think, you know, coming in with a little bit of like, I I’d like to trust this person being a little bit hopeful about it. But there’s, but yeah, trust is like a dance. I mean, it gets deeper and deeper and deeper, the more vulnerable and the more open you become with someone.

Did getting burned change your mindset? I’ve been burned before too. And it really made me a lot more visceral in how I am with trust. And I don’t trust people period until they prove something. And then it’s like, but I used to be a lot more trusting.

Well, think about that, right? You said, I don’t trust people until they prove, that means you’re always, you’re showing up with like a checklist and you’re evaluating them like they’re a scientific study, right? Well, people can feel that. And so they’re probably not going to put their, they’re not going to put their walls down either. And what you’re communicating is I don’t trust you, which means they’re not going to trust you back. I mean, you’ll have a hard time earning trust if you don’t trust people. It’s not a one-way street, trust is a two-way street. So if you show up distant and cold and untrustworthy for whatever you’ve been burned in the past, well, you’re going to have a really hard time getting trust back also. So you think you’re protecting yourself and the great irony is you’re putting yourself in a little box, a very lonely little box. That’s what happens when you build walls around yourself to protect yourself. You end up in a little dungeon, a little prison. So yes, I’ve been burned and yes, I got cynical and yes, I had to learn to break those walls back down again. And yes, I got burned and went back up and I learned to pull them back down again. But I tried very hard not to keep reinforcing the walls every time things went a little sideways or things got a little uncomfortable. I got burned a couple of times because as I said, you know, excessive protection oneself, you end up in a cell.

Can I ask a really hard one on trust? But I’ve spoken to many friends before where maybe faithfulness has not been in their marriage and they go, how can I ever trust them again? How do you feel about the ability to rebuild trust in relationships and marriages once lost? And what you’ve seen and learned over the years through your work around that?

Well, I think if somebody’s cheating, it’s usually a sign that there’s something missing in their relationship, right? So, and sometimes it’s repairable and sometimes it’s not. And so…

Is cheating missing in their relationship or in themselves?

I mean, all of the above, right? But that sounds like an opportunity for communication. Now it hurts when someone cheats, obviously. And there are different ways in which people cheat, some which are unforgivable, some of which are forgivable. It’s not just the cheating, it’s the lying and the deceiving and that goes with it. And if the relationship is broken and somebody seeks solace from someone else, then that’s an evaluation for the relationship you have and whether it’s worth clinging onto. But I think usually when that happens, it’s a sign that there’s been a total breakdown in communication, obviously a total breakdown in trust. And that doesn’t mean that the relationship should or shouldn’t survive, that’s for the couple to decide. But generally, I believe it’s a red flag that means that we should probably evaluate what’s happened or maybe it’s too late. But what I find very… People who usually stray from the relationship is because they’re either feeling something in themselves or in their relationship that they’re not telling their partner about. And that’s really selfish because relationships should be an act of co-creation.

My girlfriend and I, we sort of have this… It sounds pretty aggressive, but it’s actually very loving, which is neither of us has the right to make decisions unilaterally about the relationship because it’s our relationship, not my relationship. It’s not her relationship, it’s our relationship. So you can’t just make a unilateral decision about what the relationship should or shouldn’t be without talking to the other person. What does that mean? We’re a partnership. We’re a partnership. So to make it in business terms, let’s say you have a 50-50 business partner and they just made a decision about somebody they’re gonna sell to or buy from without ever talking to you. That business partnership is not gonna work, right? Because somebody is making a unilateral decision for the business without talking to the business partner. Now, they may know what you’re gonna say and you may agree with them and it may be a perfectly legitimate decision, but it’s the feeling of being left out of that decision that will fundamentally break the business relationship.

Is that not where trust comes into play, though, where it’s like you trust her to make the best decision. You trust her to know what’s right for you as a partnership.

You cannot scale in a lot of cases, especially in business, if you require the partnership. You have to delegate two different people within a partnership. I think you’re talking about delegation, which is different than partnership, right? Delegation, sure, if you have a division of labor, but good partnerships, they’re constantly, constantly, constantly talking, constantly checking each other, constantly saying, I’m thinking about doing this. What do you think? Because it’s not just that they think that they’re, you know, I have the best, you know, good intentions have nothing to do with this. You know, even in relationships, people have good intentions with some of the decisions they make or worse, sometimes they’re trying to solve a problem because they are basing whatever on an assumption, right? They’re basing whatever their actions are and their decisions are based on the assumption they have of what the situation is, what the other person is thinking without ever talking to that person. And that’s what I’m talking about. Like in a business relationship, if you just assumed what your partner wants to do, but you don’t actually know, like, do you know this to be, do you know this a hundred percent to be the case? You know, the answer is I don’t. Well, then maybe you should go find out.

How do you decide the decisions that can be made unilaterally versus not unilaterally? Like the restaurant that you go to for dinner, obviously you can decide.

You’ll find that out in the relationships. You’ll find out that maybe your partner says, from now on, you make all decisions about restaurants, right? I just don’t care. You’re the foodie. I like eating. You decide, right? And that’s fine. But that came from communication. And my point is, it’s not about, my point is not that you can’t make decisions by yourself. My point is that there’s communication before any of these decisions are made. And if there’s a piece of communication that says, I want you to do this. And the same is in business partnerships, right? Look, I don’t really care about hiring. You’re like a genius at guessing personalities and understanding personalities. I’m an idiot when it comes to it. So you can make all the hiring decisions. I’ll just, I’ll agree with everybody you hire. Great. You’ve had, the point is you had a communication versus you unilaterally just doing all the hiring and just walking into the office one day and be like, I hired three more people. And they’d be like, what? Even if they know that you’re a skilled, and you’d be like, what? I’m so much better than this than you are. Why would I show you? I’m better at this. You always tell me I’m better at this

This article is a summary of the YouTube video ‘Simon Sinek explains the unique way that he and his girlfriend make decisions’ by 20VC with Harry Stebbings